The Static Sea, Third Parties

Here’s how the story of The Static Sea unfolds: There once was a man who didn’t know what to do with his life, so he became a fisherman because it seemed noble enough. As he went out to sea one day, he fell overboard. His friend, One Legged Petey, went to throw a life preserver to him but instead threw his radio into the sea. Thus, the static was born into the sea, and the man was never the same again. He came back to the mainland and told his friend, and they formed this band in honor of that epic tale for the ages.

They would forge ahead and create songs that were not sea shanties but rather an acoustic sort of rock that brought up memories of Radiohead, The Scattered PAGES, The Beatles, Ben Kweller, and Elliot Smith. It was not their fault that these songs sounded this way, though, because it was just how they happened to come out.

The main singer guy had spent so long at sea — as opposed to on shore — that he didn’t even know who The Beatles were before making these songs. This is just how this music came out after he took his radio to bathe with him, plugged in and ready to fall. Alkaline Trio, coincidentally, wrote a song about this band, as well.

So I leave you not with a whisper, but with a bang. Whether or not you like this music, One Legged Petey is in need of your help. He lost his leg in a tragic shark-related accident. Well, one day, long after the man from this band went ashore, One Legged Petey saw the shark who took his leg.

He grabbed a spear and perched on the side of the boat to try and exact some revenge. However, this giant killer whale appeared from the ocean’s rippling tide and ate the shark in one giant gulp. One Legged Petey saw this and followed said shark into said killer whale. He has not been seen since, and that was back in ninety fifteen ought.

So please, I beg of you, if you see One Legged Petey out there, please contact the proper authorities or whoever hosts Unsolved Mysteries since Robert Stack died. His family just wants him to come home. (I miss you grandpa)

(Feature photo by Mickey Mathis.)