Stuck Mojo, The Great Revival

It’s insulting to think that one word could sum up an album. With the new CD from rap-metal pioneers Stuck Mojo, the one word is obvious: laughable.

Decibel Magazine has already given The Great Revival the honorable distinction of being the first album of the New Year to earn a 0. As in, “0 out of 10.” Now, I may not be a math major, but that is not good. After popping The Great Revival in the CD player, though, the mag’s opinion was quickly confirmed.

There are so many thing wrong with this album I don’t think my computer’s keyboard could take all the pounding. Is the world really waiting for a new CD from any band playing rap-metal? Judging by the absence of their former competitors, I’d say no.

The bands sound is so formulaic that you could replicate it with any high school garage band and a good producer. Rich Ward’s distorted guitar playing a generic heavy riff with Lord Byron’s average rapping making the most obvious of pairings. The band has added in Ward’s voice singing harmonies, for some reason. They’ve also opened the gender doors of suckiness by getting Christine Cook to contribute backing vocals. When you hear her voice, you realize how bad the two guys actually are. The vocal trifecta is achieved on “Friends,” with Lord Byron rappping the verses and Cook coming in and doing harmonies with Ward on the choruses. Keep in mind that this is all done over a song whose lyrical content about being best friends is on the level of Sesame Street.

The track that sums up the awfulness of this experience is “Country Road.” Yes, you read that right — a rap-metal version of the John Denver classic. The song is an ode to Rich Ward’s mother, and while the intent is admirable, the execution is not. It starts with some personal lyrics from Rich to his Mom and him saying he’s going to sing her favorite song, and then he starts singing the famous chorus except he changes the location to North Carolina. Ironic, really, that as he is singing about mountains, his voice is as flat as a prairie. While that may get John Denver to start spinning in his grave, when Lord Byron starts rapping his verse, John’s revolutions increase. It’s all capped off with more false endings than the Lord of the Rings, ending with a “choir” on the final chorus.

The atrociousness of The Great Revival is beyond my vocabulary, and for that I am grateful. It is a horrible album that only serves as a reminder of what a waste the rap-metal movement fad was.